I will now expose myself for the fantasy/lit geek that I am. Perhaps the biggest thing about fantasy that I love is the oft-used theme of good against evil--the idea that light, and love, and knowledge can triumph against darkness, hatred, and ignorance. This is why it's so hard to watch the world now, watch Osama bin Laden calmly speak of the inspiration for Sept. 11, watch the Israelis and the Palestinians lash out at each other, watch Bush talk about blindly killing off the terrorists. It makes me heartsick to think of all the killing in the name of religion, land, money, oil.
I hope that in my own small way I am contributing to the side of love and light in this world. If we all do that, and try not to hate, maybe things could get better. Perhaps they never will, but I can never lose that hope, because to do would invite madness. I try, though. I try to see things from other sides. I try to forgive where I have been hurt. I try not to perpetuate. I try.
And I try to love. I love those who will let me--and am somehow fascinated by those who do not. How are these people so different from me that my sympathy, my friendship is unwelcome? Of course I'm not a perfect person--no one is. But I am an honest person, and even though at times I don't believe it, much of the time I dare to hope that I am even a good person. That's all I want, really, is to be a good person, even against the tide of darkness that rises in my own breast.
Probably the hardest thing to do deal with in my own small life is something mundane and ordinary: the long-distance relationship. Here's where being a lit/fantasy geek comes in. For I have decided that like Ged in the Earthsea books, I will weaken my enemy by giving it a name. Long-distance relationship = LDR = Eldiar. There...a true fantastical-sounding name, sounds like it's right out of Tolkien. And now may Mark and I win against it. I have learned much in the past five months. Railing against the inevitable accomplishes nothing except annoying anyone I subject to it and making me feel pathetic and childish. Luckily I think I've done fairly well, for the most part, at keeping this pain to myself. Communication is the most important thing, and time will always pass, no matter how slowly. Eldiar is an inexorable enemy, subtle and wearying. No matter what, it is still there, even when Mark and I are together for those brief times. For always the shadow hangs over that our time is limited.
I have seen so many others crumble against the tide. Mark and I talked about this last night. On Saturday night he was at his frat, TKE, dancing with another girl (and I am okay with that part), and apparently got more than one comment about it, including someone asking him if he and I were still together. I was offended by that part, for some reason. Why should dancing with a friend automatically mean we were broken up? But Mark's reasoning was true, if sad: they've seen it happen so many times before. He even told me about two very long-term couples that broke up within months of graduation that I didn't even know about yet. So...shit.