Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Still here...more or less

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that things could get any worse, I would have laughed. It was a bit of a rough start, after all. Things seemed pretty bad. And yet, it was easy to see the silver lining. And many good things have come to me since, including a Boston qualifier and getting married. I was the lucky recipient of a lot of heartfelt support from friends and family, support that has not, I hasten to add, waned. People awed me with their generosity and love at a time when doubting humanity would have been easy. Surely things have improved! On the surface, things certainly have. So why do I feel so terrible? How can I complain when I am so lucky?

Nevertheless, I seem to be at a low point. I think the immediate reason for this is that the trial, originally scheduled for June and postponed until earlier this week, has been moved again, to October. Both times, I found out right before it happened, after weeks of building myself up to the terrifying act of testifying about the things done to me in front of the...piece of garbage...who did them to me. I had hoped to have a relatively normal second half of the year. Now I can't even remember what normal feels like. I still hold out hope for 2010! Sigh.

Time solves a lot of problems, but so far, is not solving this one. My mind whirls, I feel restless and sometimes out of breath for no reason, and I still get nervous if someone is right behind me. I can't stop thinking--it's the biggest problem. It has helped to read voraciously. If I'm reading a book, I can't think about what happened. I read 16 books in July. I've read two and am halfway through another two, five days into August. I can't seem to stir myself into doing much else.

The problem with the thinking is that when I run, a lot of thinking happens. Under normal circumstances, the mind eventually empties and I enter a sort of meditative state. But now, I can't get there and I just relive everything, over and over again. So I haven't been running much. Running with other people helps, but not always. I can't explain why this is happening now. I thought about it a lot when I was running 60-70 miles a week in the spring, and almost had a "bring it on" attitude. Possibly since I had my goal of making it to Boston, and it happened during a training run in pursuit of that goal, I somehow turned the whole training cycle into a protest, an empowerment. Every run was a statement, proving something. But now I seem to have lost that focus...I'm ready for it to go away, and running does nothing but bring it back. My greatest passion has turned against me... (OMG what a sob story)

Well, this is all enormously depressing, and I apologize to anyone who has made it this far and hasn't stopped reading in disgust. I should add that I'm sure this is simply the next step of mental trauma recovery or whatever. I'm sure it will pass. Having something like this happen, and then making it to Boston, certainly made for a pretty story, but the story is not over. The real marathon is the endless slog of colorless days that run into one another, a blur of just trying to get through each day and appear normal. Zombie. (If I'm to the slogging part, surely the finish line is coming up soon?) The story WILL have a happy ending. We do have to earn our happy endings, though. I'm not quite there, but I sense that I'm making progress.

10 comments:

Joe said...

Not at all abnormal, Mir. The legal system will jerk you around. Perseverence is key. I've seen it happen in a number of litigations. Seems like the bad guy keeps "winning". Yet, truth is on your side.

It's kind of like a string of bad training runs. You gotta just keep getting out there...and you eventually bust through and hit the target you are seeking.

Hang in there. Keep talking with hubby and friends. Feel free to "dump" here with running pals.

You're OK... and have a lot of support.

Persevere!!

DogPound said...

Hang in there, I can't wait to see you in beantown.

Tracy Lightfoot said...

Mir, there's a contingent of strong-willed, ballsy girls running in Lou that would love your company if you're ever this way. We can talk about what happened or talk about everything but that, whatever you need. It's a moving therapy session most days.

Take care.

screaminzab said...

Sorry that this disaster has been dragged out even longer. Just remember that you deserve way better than this and you didn't do anything wrong. I know you've heard "hang in there" a million times, but do the best you can. Keep reminding yourself that there will be happy ending and be positive when you can.

Nuke Runner said...

We're still with you, wishing the best for you.

L.A. Runner said...

I don't have any words of wisdom, unfortunately, just wanted to send some hugs and prayers your way. Also, don't EVER think you are whining, etc. about what happened to you. I can't imagine going through what you've been dealt with. (((HUGS))))

Susan said...

I'm so sorry that this hasn't gone to trial yet and that running brings you so much trouble. You're not whining or complaining AT ALL. It's a tough time in your life and we're here for you. I hope things start looking up soon, as I'm sure they will.

Black Bear! said...

Mir - My thoughts are with you. 16 books in one month??? Some good ones I hope! I know this is gonna be a dumb thought, but would something like books on tape or ipod maybe help. Okay, I said it was gonna be a dumb idea, I just wish there was something I could do to help. ((())))Mary

Girl In Motion said...

You sweetie, didn't realize you were suffering like this, my heart goes out to you. It's probably like the different stages of grief (anger, sadness, acceptance, etc.) and I'm sure you'll come out on the light side before too long. Hugs and love for you, Mir.

DawnB said...

Miranda, hang in there and be strong. I am so sorry you are going through this.