Monday, April 21, 2003

Things are a lot better, although certainly not fixed. I think the very root of my problem is that I just have low self-esteem. Mark asked me over the weekend to stop apologizing to him for the way I am, and I realized that I couldn't. I just can't. It's the only way I have to deal with how I feel about myself. He said he loves me not despite everything, but because of it...and I started to cry. It's amazing.

Anyway, it was a pretty horrid weekend, but somehow it didn't seem so bad, because Mark was so there for me. I got sick on Thursday night, so I barely got my history paper done and couldn't think clearly while writing it (just got it back--C+, sigh). I was sick all day Friday and ended up skipping Environmental Lit. I still went to the meet, and felt a little better on Saturday, so I went ahead and ran the steeplechase. That was a mistake. I barely made it through the race, and Kelly beat me handily to nab the school record. I was so discouraged that I told Mark I was thinking of quitting. Then I decided to go ahead and run the 4X400 relay with Ellie and Michelle (and Kelly too) so they could run it, and I ran a 68.4. This is amazing. I have never broken 70 before in my life, and never run below 72 in college. How I pulled a 68 out my sick ass I still don't understand. But it gave me a much-needed boost of confidence. I'm not going to quit.

I thought about the steeplechase a lot. I know it's silly to want to beat a person and a record that is no longer simply my personal record. But I want to so much...I want it back. I'm thinking that hurdling the barriers is costing me too much energy. I think tomorrow at the midweek meet, if I run it (I'm not sure about it yet because I might have to get there late), I'm going to try stepping over the barriers. That generally slows you up, but I think it might help to save my energy so I can keep up a better pace throughout the race. I might mix it up at the end, depending on how I feel. But I think, in the end, it's mostly mental. If I'm in shape to run a 68 second quarter, then that means I'm in the best shape of my life. I am capable of running in the low 13s for steeplechase, and to run close to a 5:30 for 1500, and to get down near 21:00 for 5000. It's there, in my legs...I just have to convince my mind that it can be done. It can be done. I'm stronger than Kelly is and I work harder than she does...I can run faster than her. And I will.

So, if tomorrow is Flunk Day, I'm going to shit.

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