Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Thoughts are quite a jumble today. Mostly I'm just exhausted. I had a very difficult night last night. It was the first time I've felt truly alone since Matthew and I broke up. I drove everyone else away and receded into my own brain all night. I even told Mark to leave me alone. I think I figured out the problem. All this time I've been relying on Mark and other people to solve the problem, when I'm the only one who can do that. So I faced my loneliness for the first time, that which I fear above all else. I didn't sleep very much, so I feel all drained and dragging today, and I don't know if I really accomplished anything, but I do feel better. And I feel like I need Mark more than the air I'm breathing.

I'm not sure what this feeling means. Did I lose the battle last night? I don't know if it would be right to go to him now and just be held. I could do that; he would hold me all night tonight if I asked him to. That's what I want, but is it what I need? Maybe I need to face that loneliness every night until it no longer scares me. But doesn't everyone fight that battle and lose? I mean, if no one was afraid of loneliness then we wouldn't be drawn to each other the way we are. Mark said something very wise the other night while we were sitting on the grassy hill. I had said I didn't know how to deal with everything, and he said, "If you did, you wouldn't be here. No one knows how to deal with this." Well. I still don't know what I should do, but maybe I will tell Mark how much I need him so he'll feel better...I think it hurts him more than he lets on that he thinks he can't do anything to help.

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