Thursday, June 19, 2003

Sometimes I amaze even myself with my own patheticity (is that a word?). Last night I called Mark and we had a great conversation for a while, until he made a joke and I pretended to be offended, and then actually did get upset when he didn't rush to correct what he'd said. We were talking about best friends, and I told him I had a four-way tie between him, Michelle, Margaret and Hannah. So then I asked him who his best friend(s) were, and he said, "Anyone but you"...OBVIOUSLY a joke, and I knew it as such, but I pretended I didn't realize that. When he didn't say anything, I told him I thought if a relationship was going to really work, the couple should consider each other one of their best friends. He eventually agreed, but he sounded like he was just saying it because I wanted him to, and things went downhill from there. Mark shut down and would barely speak, so finally we got off the phone and onto AIM, and he talked a bit more.

It's basically just an offshoot of the same problem we've always had--we're both, in fact, insecure. He told me he's afraid that one day I'll just wake up and think, "Eh, screw this." God, that hurt...but, I think the same way sometimes. I mean, will more time solve this problem? After all, we haven't been together all that long. Ten months is not very long at all.

We got into what we've been talking about for the past few days: how I'm dealing with being apart from him. I told him how lonely and isolated I feel, how when he tells me how he feels about me I feel so much better. And he said he'd do anything to make me feel better. But I didn't sense that he felt comfortable doing that in words as often as I want him to. So I shot it down. I asked him if it's a case of him needing to do more for me, or if I should just stop whining and deal. And I asked him if he thought I was being a very strong person, and he said no. That hurt, but I'm glad he told me the truth. He could've placated me, but that would have been a false good feeling. The realness felt better in a way.

We didn't exactly resolve it, but I do feel better about it now, that it's more out in the open. I basically think it is a matter of me stopping the whining and dealing with it, but what's blocking me from that is that I'm still scared to really let myself believe that he's always going to be with me. I don't know...I don't know if that's going to happen any time soon. But I have to deal with this now, and the way things are is simply not acceptable. I need to not suck.

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