Thursday, November 18, 2004


I'm down on campus, breathing easy between classes now that my take-home law exam is turned in and my editing memo is finished for workshop. Not that I was hugely stressed out, but it is a relief to have that finished. I guess now all I have to worry about is the law paper due December 1. The Knoxians are now finished with their classes and have started finals, and I am very jealous. Mark will be finished tomorrow afternoon. The bitch. So my goal is have all or at least most of my law paper researched and written this weekend, so our week together for Thanksgiving will be better. We shall see.

Right now I'm distinctly unmotivated. I just want to sleep. I think sleeping in Saturday morning will help. I'm still catching up from last weekend. I didn't sleep well while I was at Knox. I suppose I'm just a creature of habit. If I get used to sleeping alone, I sleep better that way, and the first two or three nights with Mark offer little rest. But if I become used to sleeping with Mark, I soon get used to and even come to rely upon it, and sleeping alone is hard. So a weekend together is of course wonderful, but I'm always exhausted afterwards.

What silly little problems I have, honestly.

I could be Margaret, who is much closer to Sean than I am, or than most people are, and who is dealing with some pretty heavy shit of her own right now. At least Sean is not in Iraq...yet. I could be Nancy, my journalism professor, who lost her daughter to a drugged out piece of shit in a car accident less than two weeks ago. This guy, 45 years of age, up on cocaine and other things, swerved into the daughter's lane, hitting her head on and killing her. Perhaps I would be a little more forgiving if it was a stupid kid having done this, but somehow I feel more strongly because this guy is close to my parents' age (well, within 5-7 years). Shouldn't he know better? You can hurt yourself doing drugs, and I won't care so much, but once you get into a car during morning rush hour on a Tuesday morning...well, as far as I'm concerned, you're beneath humanity. And he pleaded not guilty yesterday in court, I read. So much anger.

And so as usual, I realize I've got it pretty good. Eldiar is not rearing its ugly head so much these days, dampened perhaps by the fact that Mark is coming in less than a week to spend a week here, and will be down more than one other time during his break. My classes aren't very hard. I seem to be doing very well in them. I'm not sick. I'm not cold. I'm not hungry. There, I guess I'm counting my blessings.

Last night I managed to drag my ass out to Miller-Showers Park to run the loop a few times for about 30 minutes. I even did some ab stuffage afterwards. Motivation to run hasn't been the highest lately, so I was proud of myself for doing that. I might try and run a little between classes here...but somehow I doubt it. I feel like I'm getting fat (which is absurd). I probably gained a little bit of the weight back that I lost training for the marathon, if that. It's funny how my perception of myself can change so much from day to day.

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