Tuesday, February 22, 2005

On the passage of time.

Other than calling in sick today at Tichenor, things are going rather well. I woke up this morning feeling just...off. I feel a little better now, but still pretty crappy. Stupid mentrual cycle. But yesterday I ran 17 miles, a long run peak, without too much difficulty. Usually an upswing in mileage is not easy: the last few miles are a dull trudge and my legs are completely dead for the rest of the day. This time, even though last week's 16-miler had taken its toll much more, I felt relatively good, even for the last miles. And the rest of the day I barely felt achy at all. Today my legs are flat but not even really achy. This is very reassuring for my fitness level.

And today, I finalized the lease for our apartment. We are now all set--just one more form to turn in, to let the landlady, Theresa, know about when we are going to move in. And we do get a free microwave, although not until August, which kind of sucks. Until then we'll either do without or...er, rent one? I don't know. We'll figure it out. I'm so excited.

Today it also occurs to me that time is accelerating. Ever since I crossed the platform on the South Lawn and laid damp fingers on the cover of my college diploma, I have experienced a dizzying, often frightening, acceleration of time.

Where did February go? I asked myself that question today, and at the same time I realized that the same question has been on my lips at the close of each month. For the present I welcome this new velocity, because I have much to look forward to. But once it reaches a particular speed, I have the sickening feeling that it will not slow. The months will drain away, grains of sand in some cosmic hourglass. Will I suddenly be in my 80s, looking back and wondering where my life went?

My co-worker, Scott, is in his 40s and has often said that for him time flies; it gets worse year after year. Part of what scares me is that it cannot be halted or slowed, but quickening it is not difficult. When I do get what I want, time will slip by. At Knox this weekend, my 48 hours was gone in a snap. To think that my entire life could start slipping away like that makes me nervous.

I have given much thought to what things will be like in years to come. There isn't a lot to be certain about, although at least I am lucky enough to feel confident about Mark. I am also sensible enough to realize that our relationship will change, but I believe that it will always be a loving one. But other than that, I only know that things will happen and somehow I will deal with them as they happen.

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